Thursday, January 15, 2009

A Harrowing Tale of Survival

Last November my golf course closed for the season and I suddenly realized my golf season was over. With a mediocre indoor facility at the club, and little golf of importance on television I suddenly became terrified. As the temperature reached an unfathomable -30 degrees and over two feet of snow lay on the ground I found myself pacing back and forth at home, wondering what I should do. Hell hath no fury like a golf addict enduring a brutal Canadian winter. There are roughly 12-13 weeks until course will begin to open...

Day One

In the morning the Weather Channel indicated there was a cold-advisory for the GTA and surrounding regions. Between my neighbour's house and mine there is a five foot snow drift blocking access to the backyard. I take stock of my supplies fearing the worst. All I seem to have are PVR'd U.S. Open highlight from last season, an instructional DVD by Butch Harmon and an old Ping Anser putter that I have no idea how I got. The Silly Season should provide me some relief, but seriously what type of enjoyment can I derive from watching that. Fearing I'll miss much of it because of that fact, I begin to panic.

Day Eight

Using the Ping Asner putter, along with an empty box of Pro V1 golf balls and some lead tape I create a mechanism that will allow me to collect rain water out of the second story window. I suddenly realize that drinking water can actually be obtained without much problem during golf's off-season. I go to my fridge and get a Strawberry-Banana Vitamin Water. It is my first victory during these trying times and I rejoice.

Day Thirteen

As a massive snowstorm reminding that there will be no golf in my near future pounds the GTA I decide to try and clean my house. It starts well, but I then find a used golf ball I'd given to my cat as a toy after shooting a 68 with it this past season. It's too much for me to bear, and I breakdown.

Day Twenty

I seriously consider jumping from the roof of my house as I find out somehow my 2008 U.S. Open highlights were deleted from my PVR. With so little to sustain me during this trying period I try and stream video clips from However my wireless network goes down and I lose all access to the internet. If this is considered living, I welcome death.

Day Thirty-One

I'm informed of a couple possible alternatives. Evidently there are two Professional Sports Franchises that operate out of Toronto that may sustain me until the season begins. One is the Toronto Maple Leaf hockey team, the other a basketball team referred to as the Raptors. Since watching hockey will only further remind me of the season I'm enduring, I triumphantly decide that'll I'll watch a Raptor game that evening. The game began and roughly 7 minutes into it the Raptors had turned the ball over 13 times, Joey Graham had fouled out, Chris Bosh broke his ankle and they were down 26-5 vs. the Clippers. I'm moved to tears by this awful display and vow never to watch a basketball game ever again.

Day Fourty-Four

To fill this horrible golfing void, I turn on my TV and Playstation deciding to give the Tour a run in Tiger Woods Golf 2008 with the Fed Ex Cup in my sights.

Day Fourty-Six

After four regular season event the player I've created is so lacking in the necessary skills to play the game I've missed every cut and have a scoring average of 86.5.

Day Fifty-Nine

Well this is certainly becoming unbearable. I wonder how many others are suffering as I am. I attempt to create a mini putt course in my house to get some practice and much needed relief from the pain. Shortly after I begin an errant putt goes down the stairs and into the basement. As I am alone and scared to death of going into my basement. The game is quickly over leaving me so very unfulfilled.

Day Sevety-One

I survive these days by visiting dozens of time an hour and practicing my posture in my bedroom mirror. I shake often, but am certain that come the beginning of the season I'll have the best spine angle of anyone at my club.

Day Eighty

Today I make an incredibly shocking discovery. I am not alone! In another room in the house I stumble across a woman who refers to herself as my "wife". She tells me a harrowing tale, having survived this entire time by doing something called "yoga" and focusing quite a bit on her job. It's at this point there is nothing I can do for her and I slowly back out of the room quietly.

Day Ninety-Four

I decide I can simply no longer endure this suffering and construct a life raft out of staff bags, headcovers and empty shoe boxes. I'm fairly sure that Global warming will soon cause the sea levels to rise to the point I'll be able to float away and possibly end up on a tropical island that surely has a golf course. I'll tell you, it sure does feel good to finally have a somewhat sensible plan.

Maybe I should just move to Florida...

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